Obviously the worst thing about infertility is the problem of infertility itself: being unable to have a baby.
Once you’ve accepted that as a challenge and part of the burden to bear though, it becomes more of a “given.” I’ve gotten comfortable with the mindset that pregnancy without in vitro fertilization would be a boon, a surprise, an unexpected bonus. I’m not defeated… I’m just settled into the idea that it’s not going to be easy.
For me, the biggest gripe has become less about wanting to have a baby and be a mom, and more about the uncertainty of the infertility treatment process. It feels like we’ve been in “baby limbo” for almost a year now.
Baby limbo affects every aspect of our lives. Some are huge and life-changing.
I’ve been wanting to run a marathon since about a week days after my last half-marathon ended. But come on, it’s not a great idea to be training to run 26 miles and bring a life into the world in the same time frame. And I am NOT doing a bunch of 16 and 17-mile long runs only to bail on my training for some kid.
Michael’s been wanting to buy kayaks and be regular river kayak people. But again, not exactly realistic if life is about to get a whole lot crazier. You know who doesn’t go river camping on random 60-degree weekends in February? Sleep-deprived parents with their newborn.
I’ve been wanting to go to Ireland and maybe Scotland for about a year now, and we have the money. It’s a totally do-able trip, as I’m reminded every time Google Flights emails me airfare price changes. But we don’t have the money to do that if we’re going to drop $15,000 on treatment (or more on adoption) in the same year.
Other baby limbo things are not so huge and life-changing.
I’ve been wanting to get away to Florida and live the retired life with my parents for a couple of days. But of course, it’s looking like our trigger and fertile window will plop itself down right in the middle of the three-day getaway I booked this weekend. So much for the beach and relaxing an egg out of my ovaries, like everyone’s been suggesting.
I’ve been wanting the new dress pants I saw at Target since I went there over my lunch break (an hour ago.) But if I’m pregnant in a month or two, won’t be needing those! Double down on your LuluLemon investments because after I get two pink lines it’ll be yoga pants FOR DAYS. Better hold off on those dress pants.
The baby limbo list goes on: I really extrapolate it out, includes scheduling work travel, buying a new car, moving to a bigger house, etc. etc. etc. It’s all on hold (or at least, marked “tentative” in my head) until we know what’s in store. I have about 50 items on the baby limbo list and Michael has about three because, let’s be honest, I’m a lot higher maintenance than he is. TTCers, what’s on your baby limbo list?
Like most things, there’s a silver lining with baby limbo: it could end at any time. We’re fortunate to have the roller coaster ride every month and the chance for a baby at any time.