Baby Limbo

Obviously the worst thing about infertility is the problem of infertility itself: being unable to have a baby.

Once you’ve accepted that as a challenge and part of the burden to bear though, it becomes more of a “given.” I’ve gotten comfortable with the mindset that pregnancy without in vitro fertilization would be a boon, a surprise, an unexpected bonus. I’m not defeated… I’m just settled into the idea that it’s not going to be easy.

For me, the biggest gripe has become less about wanting to have a baby and be a mom, and more about the uncertainty of the infertility treatment process. It feels like we’ve been in “baby limbo” for almost a year now.

Baby limbo affects every aspect of our lives. Some are huge and life-changing.

I’ve been wanting to run a marathon since about a week days after my last half-marathon ended. But come on, it’s not a great idea to be training to run 26 miles and bring a life into the world in the same time frame. And I am NOT doing a bunch of 16 and 17-mile long runs only to bail on my training for some kid.

Michael’s been wanting to buy kayaks and be regular river kayak people. But again, not exactly realistic if life is about to get a whole lot crazier. You know who doesn’t go river camping on random 60-degree weekends in February? Sleep-deprived parents with their newborn.

I’ve been wanting to go to Ireland and maybe Scotland for about a year now, and we have the money. It’s a totally do-able trip, as I’m reminded every time Google Flights emails me airfare price changes. But we don’t have the money to do that if we’re going to drop $15,000 on treatment (or more on adoption) in the same year.

Other baby limbo things are not so huge and life-changing.

I’ve been wanting to get away to Florida and live the retired life with my parents for a couple of days. But of course, it’s looking like our trigger and fertile window will plop itself down right in the middle of the three-day getaway I booked this weekend. So much for the beach and relaxing an egg out of my ovaries, like everyone’s been suggesting.

I’ve been wanting the new dress pants I saw at Target since I went there over my lunch break (an hour ago.) But if I’m pregnant in a month or two, won’t be needing those! Double down on your LuluLemon investments because after I get two pink lines it’ll be yoga pants FOR DAYS. Better hold off on those dress pants.

The baby limbo list goes on: I really extrapolate it out, includes scheduling work travel, buying a new car, moving to a bigger house, etc. etc. etc. It’s all on hold (or at least, marked “tentative” in my head) until we know what’s in store. I have about 50 items on the baby limbo list and Michael has about three because, let’s be honest, I’m a lot higher maintenance than he is. TTCers, what’s on your baby limbo list?

Like most things, there’s a silver lining with baby limbo: it could end at any time. We’re fortunate to have the roller coaster ride every month and the chance for a baby at any time.

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Can’t do this with a baby. Dog: 1 Baby: 0

6 thoughts on “Baby Limbo

  1. I TOTALLY know how you feel. However, one thing I have learned in my 5+ years of infertility is that I never regret the things I do for myself. Infertility doesn’t take our feelings into account, so why should we constantly take it into account? So girl, go buy those pants, rent some kayaks with the hubby, and book a little trip. If you get pregnant and have to cancel some plans, who cares, you will be over the moon happy anyways. But if this cycle isn’t the one, than at least you still get to have a little fun and do something just for you. You have earned it!

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  2. It all works out on the long run. Dad and I feel your pain. We’re on standby when you say the word. Btw. Joining us in FL for a few days would be a great respite but retirement is as good as one adjusts to and makes it be. That is life. 💕Mom

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  3. I am so glad to have found your blog. We are in almost the exact same position. We started trying at the same time as you (March 2016) and I got diagnosed with PCOS after having irregular periods. Like you, I have lean PCOS with no other symptoms whatsoever other than an irregular cycle/cysts in my ovaries. I will definitely be following your blog for all your updates, thank you very much for sharing your story. Also, I am from Scotland and definitely recommend you take a trip there, if you need any tips on where to go let me know!

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    1. It is interesting how similar our histories/timelines seem to be. I also noticed that a lot of blogs don’t have “follow up” about what’s happening with their progress, like you noted on your “about” page. I hoping that means people were able to move away from writing TTC blogs and focus on their pregnancies.

      I’m so glad you’re here! I’m hoping soon I can talk the husband into the trip and take you up on those recommendations. Good luck; I’ll be checking up on your progress too!

      Liked by 1 person

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